Originally published: 1909
Genres: Western
Gutenberg link: https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/63705
Chapters: 30
Warning: This may include outdated and derogatory language and attitudes.
CHAPTER I
JUNIPER JOE’S JUBILEE
When that wonderful invitation was read by the masculine element and the few women of Blossom Range, it created a sensation, announcing, as it did, that Juniper Joe’s jubilee was to consist of his marriage to a charming widow of the East, Mrs. Rafferty, followed by a dance and “refreshments.”
Stuck up in front of the post office, in none-too-legible handwriting, it invited the whole town.
The ending was a screamer:
“If you-all what sees this invitation dont come, you shore will miss the only first-class happenin that, so fur, has hit this hyer lively hamlet. I aint seen Mrs. Rafferty yit; but I have her photographt, an shes all to the good, jedgin by it. Anyway, I’m takin the risks. Every man what is goin to laff at me had better come armed; and every man what is goin to envy me my good fortune why he had better come armed, too. The ceremony will be performed strictly accordin to Hoyle, by our cellerbated feller townsmen an Jestis of the Peace Jedge Abercrombie Morris. After the weddin there will be a dance, and after the dance refreshments of the kind you all can appreciate. The music aint goin to be no Wagnerian concert stuff, but somethin that has got a lively jump in it; furnished by that prince of fiddlers White-eyed Moses. And jokes about Moses’ eyes or nose will provoke a homicide. Likewise, anybody callin’ his fiddle a violin will be shot on the spot. What the refreshments aire to consist of will depend on what sort of truck Gopher Gabe happens to have in stock behind his bar when the happy day arrives.”
The thing was signed by “Juniper Joe.”
What the fellow’s real name was few, if any, knew; some said it was Mason, some Morgan, some even slandered him by claiming that he walked about among men bearing the plebeian cognomen of John Jones, where he was better known.
Juniper Joe’s cabin—it was a big one—stood right at the edge of the camp of Blossom Range, on the east. The back of it burrowed into a hill; and in that hill was Juniper Joe’s mine. No one could get into the mine, it was claimed, unless he went through the house; and the house was always locked, when Juniper Joe was at work, or not receiving company.
The mine had gained great fame lately. Juniper Joe had struck “pockets” that were wonderfully rich, judging by Blossom Range standards. They were rather high standards, too; for other men, in other holes in the ground, were making good strikes, all round the town.
It was because he had been so phenomenally lucky that had induced Juniper Joe to seek a helpmate; he wanted a woman to share his joys and sorrows, and help him to spend his surplus cash. He might have got one even in Blossom Range, on account of the plutocratic reputation he had suddenly acquired; but he preferred to pass them by and seek in fields afar for the future partner of his bosom. So he said.
Juniper Joe’s invitations were a ten-day sensation; they would have been a month’s sensation if that time had intervened before the wedding and the dance.
When the stage came in from Calumet Springs, on the morning of the day fixed, every man who could be there was down at the stables, for it was known that the stage was bringing the bride.
Juniper Joe was there, of course, at the forefront, ready to welcome to this “garden spot of the mountains” the future Mrs. Joe. Also, he was arrayed regardless; in solemn black, with a shirt and collar as white as Mrs. Maginniss, the laundry lady, could make them; and by extra pay, she had been spurred to do her best. Topping his head was a silk cady of the previous year’s vintage, which he had bought from the one Jew pawnbroker of the place. The pawnbroker had worn it the first day he came into the camp; there was still a dent in one side, where the brickbat had landed which expressed the town’s disapproval of that style of headgear. Israel Silverman, being by nature a wise man, had then laid the cady gently away in mothballs; only to resurrect it and sell it to Juniper Joe.
On this day no one took a shot with a brickbat or stone at the shining hat. One reason was that Juniper Joe had a “hostile” temper when he was aroused by what he considered an insult; the second reason was a double one but like it; he had two revolvers belted to his manly waist, under the tails of his black broadcloth.
There was some disappointment when Mrs. Rafferty descended from the stage; she was veiled! It was a staggering blow to the curiosity of Blossom Range. But she recognized Juniper Joe when he rushed to meet her; and the envious crowd was permitted to see her walk away, with her arm hooked through his, to the “hack” he had ordered.
He escorted her, in the hack, to the best hotel in Blossom Range, where he left her for the time being.
One other circumstance must be mentioned, in connection with that arrival, which created almost as much curiosity as the coming of the Widow Rafferty.
Out of the same stagecoach stepped a tall man, of handsome carriage and almost military bearing; a small, oldish man, with a seamed face and whitening hair; and a round-bodied man, whose legs were thin as pipe stems. They, too, took their way to the self-same hotel; but they walked.
When they had been in the town less than an hour, it became known, or noised about, that the three men were Buffalo Bill and his two pards, Nick Nomad and Baron Schnitzenhauser.
But what were they there for?
Nobody could answer the question, and few people thought of them long. Time could not be wasted on people, even so prominent when everyone in town had to think all the while of the coming “jubilee.”
Yet the three were not wholly forgotten; for along in the afternoon a copy of that queer invitation found its way to the men mentioned.
To it was appended a little postscript:
“Mrs. Rafferty says that as you all was so pleasant to her while she was with ye in the stage from Calumet Springs, that she thinks highly of ye, and has suggested that it would be ther proper caper if, though bein strangers, you was invited. Tharfore it’s hopin that you all will feel free to look on at the weddin, fling a heel in the dancin, and sample the refreshments all ye like. In this I am gladly jinin Mrs. Rafferty; though, at the same time, acknowledgin that hers is the gentle hand at present on the tiller of the bark matrimonyul. So here’s again hopin you all will come.”
This, too, was signed “Juniper Joe.”
It is almost needless to say that the trio went.
The fiddle of White-eyed Moses was scraping, and thudding feet shook the rafters at the time of the arrival of Buffalo Bill and his pards at Jubilee Joe’s cabin. But the wedding ceremony had not yet taken place. The premature dancing was due to certain men so hilariously inclined that they had “tipped” the fiddler and set him to going ahead of time because they could not wait.
But this ended when Abercrombie Morris came into the room and asked for quiet, announcing that the momentous moment had arrived.
“Honored as we aire this evening,” said “Judge” Morris, “we aire under obligations to conduct ourselves as ladies and gents, and lend a listenin’ ear to the sollum words which is goin’ to bind this man and woman together in the holy bonds o’ matrimony.”
He was “sollum” enough himself, in his black clothing, his fat, florid face clean-shaven, his hair plastered down tight against his scalp with pomade; he was the only “legal light” in Blossom Range, and appraised himself accordingly.
The main room, large as it was, was crowded to suffocation, the guests wedging themselves around the walls in closely packed ranks, leaving an open space in the center, where Morris had taken his stand.
Buffalo Bill and his pards were near the outer door, but in a position where they could witness everything that took place.
A hush fell on the crowd, as a door at the other end of the room opened, and the bride and groom appeared in it.
Mrs. Rafferty, revealing herself for the first time, was seen to be a medium-sized woman, light-haired, and much painted and powdered. She was dressed in white and carried roses. Rumor said, afterward, that they had been ordered from Frisco, at a staggering price, by the happy bridegroom. Mrs. Rafferty was almost as solemn in appearance as Morris; but Juniper Joe shot happy glances here and there, apparently willing to think that all the men in the room were dying of envy.
Abercrombie Morris, Justice of the Peace, having never officiated on such an occasion, bungled the marriage service through nervousness; yet drew it out to a wonderful length, sure that in Blossom Range Fate would not soon give him such opportunity.
The crowd was respectful; it would have been quite as much so, even if it had not noted the bulging of the coattails of the bridegroom.
When Abercrombie Morris had pronounced the couple “husband and wife,” Juniper Joe took much apparent delight in introducing his bride to everyone in the house he could reach conveniently.
When it was through, he made a little speech.
“What I has to say, ladies and feller citizens is: ‘Go and do likewise.’ Thar, on the wall, set in a picture frame which I made today myself, is the thing which worked the trick fer me; and any of you can use the same means, and make a copy of it if you want to do as I did.”
He pointed to an advertisement cut from a newspaper, which he had framed and stuck against the wall.
“I don’t need to sling no wise advice to the ladies present; fer they aire knowin’ well to the fact that they can each and every one of ’em git married any minute that they say the word. So I directs my remarks to the male sect; which, because it’s out o’ all proportion with the other in this hyer town, don’t have much of a show. In the East, thar’s women so numerous that they fair jostles each other, without half enough men to go round; a condition that is highly prejudicial to the good of society both hyer and thar. Most any o’ them women would jump at a chanct to marry a likely man, ’specially if he could show a good bank account. The hills round this hamlet aire sproutin’ with gold, in pockets, leads fissure veins, and every other way; every man hyer has got a cinch on wealth, if only he’ll hustle. And that wealth will git him a wife, if he wants one; it’s what brung me mine.”
He looked round, beaming, the woman at his side.
“That’s all,” he said; “except that the room will now be cleared fer the dancin’. White-eyed Moses has promised to hand out some o’ his choicest toe-ticklin’ selections, and you all know how he can do it. No firearms er knives to be allowed on the dancin’ floor; no altercations permitted, neither. The first gent that starts one will be bounced.”
He swung on round, still smiling, a gaunt figure, in his black clothing.
“So,” he finished, “that’s all; git yer pardners.”
In order to do that, as there were so few women, some of the men knotted handkerchiefs around their left arms, to indicate that they were “women”; and the dancing began, as White-eyed Moses struck up one of his lively quadrilles.
The new Mrs. Juniper Joe—no one could remember that even in the ceremony Abercrombie Morris had called him anything but Juniper Joe!—tried to dance with nearly every man there, when they besieged her for that favor; and only gave over the attempt because the fiddler’s arm took a cramp at last, and he stopped fiddling.
The new Mrs. Juniper Joe thus proved that she was certainly of the strenuous type, so far as muscular activity was concerned.
As the dancing ended, and there was a rush for the “refreshments,” a thing occurred that threw everyone into a flutter of excitement.
A man who, as it appeared later, had not been invited came in. He was a small, lithe man, with a smooth face, and keen, light-blue eyes; Buffalo Bill had observed him almost as soon as he was in the room and wondered who he was.
His discovery, close by the door, which was open behind him, brought quick work on the part of the hitherto smiling bridegroom. Juniper Joe’s revolvers bounced out of their hiding places beneath his coattails, and were fired as soon as he could swing them up; the two reports, one from each revolver, crashed together.
The lithe little man tumbled backward against the door, which his fall half closed.
As he did so, he sent a shot that smashed the one light—a huge kerosene lamp suspended from the ceiling—thus plunging the room into darkness.
There was wild confusion following this shooting. Men tumbled headlong out of the place, by the doors and windows; those who remained flung themselves flat on the floor, to escape possible bullets.
The loud voice of Juniper Joe was heard, commanding that another lamp should be brought.
“I guess I got him,” he said.
But when the lamp was brought, from another room, the little man was not found, dead or wounded, by the door. Juniper Joe’s bullets had gone through the wood of the door; but neither on the door, nor the floor by it, was there a stain of blood.
There were naturally vociferous howls for an explanation, by the men who had dropped for safety; this thing of a man beginning pistol work like that seemed to call for an apology.
Juniper Joe gave it, in a few crisp and characteristic words.
“That feller, gents,” he said, “was Tim Benson, road agent, and gin’ral outlaw, what I’m shore has been doin’ the hold-up work recently on these hyer trails. I seen him onct, at Holbrook, when he made a gitaway, after robbin’ the Holbrook stage. He got five thousand dollars o’ my good money at that time, and I swore I’d kill him if ever I got a chanct. I thought I had the chanct, jes’ now; but dropped it, somehow. I reckon I didn’t hit him, fer he shot out the light, and seems to have hit the safe places outside somewhar.”
Not many of the guests tarried for the “refreshments” after that. Some went to look for Tim Benson; others, scared, thought it best to take themselves off. Ten minutes after the shooting, Juniper Joe’s cabin was nearly emptied.
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